THE DEATH OF SELF

How long have we been together in this journey of life? I asked Self, who answered, “Since you started getting hit by the world.” I reflected on that era. That was quite long. And sometimes you are never in the picture of some events I said to him. Looks like only when things get tough that you come into existence.

“Of course” answered Self. “I easily come into existence in times when situations are tough because I make you think only about yourself then, I also help you when it comes to making decisions - I make it so easy to choose yourself over any other thing at any point in time and every kind of situation.”

Hmm, that bothers me. “But why?” Because the choices you easily made for me have made a mess of some things.

“Ha! How could you say it made a mess of some things? Aren’t you happy that you faced yourself not minding other side issues or who might get affected? At least you were able to satisfy yourself.”

Really? Sure, let’s say I concentrated on myself, satisfied myself, and didn’t care who it might affect or how the outcome might be. But what about tomorrow? Where does that leave me? Am I to just stick with you and end with you at the end of everything? 

“How difficult could that be? Aren’t I interesting? Because last time I checked, in many ways, I was interestingly interesting - the most interesting part is how I helped you achieve some of the things you wanted. Also, I helped you get rid of some people you are finding it difficult to also, to easily avoid and keep your distance whenever you feel like and have made it easy for you to live your life the way you wanted - am I not interesting in many ways? So, am I not enough to just have me as you journey through this life?”

Interesting? Oh yes, that sounds interesting, and you are forgetting something. “What could that be?” Forgetting the fact that you are just like a bed of thorns covered with roses. Looks beautiful in every way but beneath is an ugly sight full of pain that only when one lies on it will experience.

“What! A bed of thorns covered with roses… Well, I like roses but - a bed of thorns! You just hurt my ego.” Exactly! You just mentioned one of your attributes that you can’t be separated from.

I scanned through my journey so far and guess what? 

“Can’t believe you still got some bullets in that gun-mouth of yours to shoot at me after all I did for you. Anyways shoot, what is it?” 

Hmm, I’m just being honest. I scanned through and found out that in those times you were not in the picture I was more connected to others than when you were in my life, I was happy and fulfilled even though some decisions were tough but only when you came along that you make me feel sad and you made me feel the weight of those decisions and make me see reasons in the fact that I’m not happy. I also noticed that others did not entertain you in their lives before they were able to do meaningful things that positively affect others without considering their benefit.

The part you lay before me is wide enough to jump in and out of your life, pending when I feel the need but even that, it is a part of you that always draws me to you when difficulty comes.

“Wow! I feel a sense of abandoning here. Seems like you’re about to desert me. Wow… I can’t believe this - Can’t believe you have forgotten about our smooth journey so far.”

I haven’t forgotten. If I had, I wouldn’t have been able to recall and figure out the effects. In this journey of life, as one grows, some things need to get rid of, and some things need to be embraced to live a meaningful life.

“Yah! I guess I’ve heard enough of the sermon. Oh my oh my, Mr. Growth and meaningful, Are you saying you haven’t been living a meaningful life?”

It might look meaningful before you but, the effect of the aftermath of today is tomorrow. And looking at the aftermath of the choices you give me will only be the one thing that will consume me tomorrow. I guess our journey has to come to an end. You are not meant to be part of me. I welcomed you and I’m letting go of you. It is time to take the right turn and live the way I’m designed to that is not having you in my life.

“Take your time, I will come back someday - then you will welcome me with an open arm.”

No, you aren’t coming back. Consider yourself dead from this moment because you only exist in the space I created for you and that space is taken already. 

“Hey, what’s up? Why are you spaced out?” Asked my friend, who checks on me from time to time.

I just finished having a conversation with Self.

“What? Self?” Mm-hm, it just passed away because the space that was making him stay alive was taken.

“I’m lost - can’t get a hold of what you’re trying to say my friend but I just wanted to check on you and remind you of the task we were working on with other people in case you changed your mind you can…”

I couldn’t wait for him to land, immediately I said I was in.

My friend was slightly surprised. “Wow! That’s fast. Is this you or am I speaking with another version of you?” 

That’s right, you are just speaking with another version of me. So, stop looking at me with those eyes, and let’s go make some changes.

And hey, (turning to him) thanks for not giving up on me.